Should I hate the player? The game? Or the Paradox?

I was recently having a conversation with someone about dating and if you’re in my age group you’ve heard “don’t hate the player, hate the game” Are the kids still saying this?   In any event, you have probably heard this statement or something similar to it and it got me thinking about dating, relationships, sex and our approach to these subjects.

Have any of you ever asked yourself “should I call them?  Or wait for them to call me” or the ever popular “they didn’t call so I’m going to play this game and not call, I might even get back online” It even bleeds into sex “if I do (insert sexy act here) then they will think (insert desired outcome or feared perception here)” I have certainly done this before, hell, I still do it now to a certain extent.  There are definitely times that I have made a special dinner and given a relaxing massage in hopes to get a little extra sexy time during the week.   I don’t blame myself for this sort of thinking and really, neither should anyone else.   When you think about it, we live in a culture of quid pro quo, if I do this you do that.  We were raised to behave a certain way and receive praise or if we misbehave we receive consequences.  Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of tit for tat that keeps social harmony, even a bit of it translates to relationships, but we probably give it more power than we should.

Give it some thought, have you ever approached your romantic life with the lens of quid pro quo?  Have you ever talked to someone just make someone else jealous?   Have you ever put out to make an impression?  Have you ever not put out to maintain a reputation?  Ignored your dates text because you were “out” but really just sitting on the couch with wine and your good sweatpants?  These (and more) are the power dynamics used by the players to create a strategy in this game.  This is what I find truly fascinating.  In any game there is a goal, there are rules.   The idea of sex and relationships being a game gives the players an almost perfect alibi.  We offset our partner’s strategy with another strategy and if someone gets their feelings hurt then it’s all part of the game.  Every game has a winner and a loser.  So, if you decide to play, you will be either the winner or the loser.  Does that feel good?  Does it seem right?  For me, that’s a hard no.  I do NOT accept these roles, I hate the player, the game and the paradox. I reject it all.

So, how should I approach dating and sex now?  Well, out with the old and in with the new.   I’m choosing to leave the game behind and instead I’m going to have a new perspective and a new analogy.  I won’t play a game, but I would love a dance.  We don’t live in a world of scarcity.  We actually live in one of abundance.   What would happen if we approached dating as asking someone to dance?   Just a simple, I like the way you move, let’s see if can move together?   If not, there is always another waiting for an invitation. 

Of course, all blogs lead to coaching.  If you are wanting to shift from this game mindset to one of dancing you can.  A coach can help you to understand all the aspects of your dance.  How you like to invite a partner(s)?  How you like to be invited?   What kind of dance do you like?  Different partners?  Or just one?   What happens if you meet a dance partner you like, but you have different styles?  Or maybe you and your dancing partner want to learn a new dance?  All of these and more can be explored with coaching.  Understanding who you are and what you want are the first steps, then with trust and vulnerability you can lose yourself in the dance.    Changing a perspective isn’t easy, especially if it’s one you’ve been using your entire life, but you can.  So my friends, until the next post, just keep dancing!   Even if you’re just dancing with yourself, to be honest, sometimes I have the most fun doing that!