Fantasy and Reality
So I have a great pastime, one that doesn’t hurt anyone, allows my creativity to flow and inspires me to try new things. With the title of this post you probably guessed what it is, fantasy! Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to start discussing my own fantasies (at least I don’t think so). What I do want to explore in this post is the idea of fantasy and its intersection with reality. The euphoria, the shame, the escape, the disconnection and the connection. Those are very drastic reactions, but I find that a lot of people have drastic reactions to fantasy, but then again, most of us have a reaction when we start to understand who we truly are, who we could be, and who we want to be. Fantasy isn’t an exact science, it might not tell you who you are, fantasy isn’t even reality.
Within this mental realm everything IS okay. You’re not hurting anyone, you’re not cheating on anyone, you aren’t even hurting yourself. People who feel shame from their fantasy can feel emotional pain, but I promise you, that isn’t the result of your fantasy. It is rather a reaction from an imposed view on sexuality that was passed to you. If you are experiencing shame, then I challenge you to re-define what fantasy and sexual expression mean to you.
The mind is fascinating to me, the things it can do, the places that it can lead us. Sexual expression starts with a thought, the thought leads to a fantasy. The fantasy might be a reflection of us, or it might be a departure from who we are. A fantasy can stem from an experience we had, or an experience we want. The fantasies that we have can connect us to our world or they can disconnect us from what we are experiencing in our day to day. As a sex coach, I’m way less interested in the “why” of things. Not that I think the “why” isn’t important, I find it fascinating to understand the “why” of a client. However, at the end of the day I’m more interested in the “how” because that is where my talents are at. How can we integrate the fantasy into a way that is helpful to your life? Sometimes I have clients that want to make the transition from fantasy to reality, then we shift the focus to “how can we integrate this into your life in an ethical and safer way” this can be an exciting and scary journey, one that I’m happy to join my clients on. A study shown by Dr. Justin Lehmiller found that people who explored their fantasy had a more enhanced sex life and better overall wellbeing. Of course that is a personal choice, you don’t have make a fantasy a reality, you even have the right to privacy when it comes to your sexual expression, but you would be surprised how close you can feel with a partner when you feel comfortable enough to share a fantasy. Of course, disclosing might not the best thing to just blurt out at dinner but coaching can help you create a safe space and create a dialog between you and your partner(s).
As with everything in life there is a balance. As I said before, the fantasy isn’t bad and it isn’t hurting anyone, but there can be a darker side. We see this darker side when the fantasy is all consuming, when it takes you away from work, or people in your life or when you choose to it over reality. For me, fantasy is a pastime, nice way to fill free time, and sharing them has even brought me closer to my partner. If you’re happy with your fantasy life that is great, keep doing what you’re doing. If you are struggling with your fantasy life, then you reach out. Drop the shame, the stigma, let go of the mask and lean into the unbound (or bound if you prefer) erotic possibility.